Obsessive Compulsive Bridal Disorder

                                                                    

I don't dream about my wedding. I have no fantasies of a white fluffy dress, enormous bridal party or decor color.



Until a few weeks ago, I never really thought about the fact that I never thought about these things. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I always just assumed that I would cross that bridge when I got to it. Then one day, a couple of friends came over to mine for a visit. We had been chatting about everything and anything, when one of them remarked at some point very casually that she had been looking at samples of Wedding card invites. I blinked slowly, because as far as I knew she wasn't even in a relationship.



"Oh really?" I said. "Er, why's that? Are you helping someone out with some wedding planning?" I asked. She shrugged just as casually, "No actually. I'm planning mine". I literally fell to the floor at this point. "How exactly does that work?" I wondered out loud.



"Oh I already have my cake designer and venue picked out" My other friend added. At this point I was thinking to myself 'What?'. "Now come on" I tried to reason with them "don't you think your missing something in all this?". My first friend stared at me "What?" she asked. "A groom!" I said exasperated. "How on earth can you be planning a wedding when there's no groom? That cannot possibly be normal behavior!"



They both stared at me like I had grown a third arm. "I've had my wedding planned for ages" the first one said "Gosh Mimi how could you have never thought about yours? That is so weird" At that, they went on discussing the benefits of a simple and elegant design over something more elaborate and choose to ignore me completely for the next few minutes.

The thing is this. I suppose when I was about five or six years old, with a couple of weddings under my belt in which I featured as a flower girl, I was completely enamored as most girls that age are with the idea of wearing a huge, white princessy dress. Similar, I believed to what Cinderella wore to the ball. Brides appeared to me to be almost regal. They were treated specially and even got to wear a tiara. Yes, back then I thought it was major cool. You see a wedding dress was really just a more ornate version of my 'Church' dresses with their puffy sleeves and yards of tulle underneath. How many girls remember playing that game when you spun around as fast as you could to see how high your dress would twirl. No one? Erm, well, me neither. But see the point is this, eventually, I grew up. Then, it took my going wedding dress shopping with someone close to me some years ago to make me realize that it really was just a dress, sometimes with way too many frills, that happened to be white (or off white as the case may be).

Some people take things like planning for a wedding way to seriously in my opinion. Sometimes, they’d be way better of making plans on how to stay married as opposed to simply getting through the wedding. A while ago, I watched a special on TV about the most expensive celebrity weddings, there was lots of pomp and glamour trust. Alas, as of the time the program aired, more than 70% (I kid you not) of the couples featured had split up.



Sometimes, the wedding attire I see in Nigerian weddings amuse me no end. I am amazed that a full grown man would agree to be dressed in a “Honey Blond”-saw that in a real wedding invite shirt and, slightly comical looking lemon green bowtie. On a normal day, said heterosexual male would probably not be caught asleep partaking in this season’s color blocking trend. But somehow, it is deemed to be appropriate wedding attire.



A couple years ago, there was this weird trend where people called colors and expected their guest to show up dressed in the required hue. A woman once complained about searching for shoes and a bag to match the odd color combination chosen by the couple for a wedding she had been invited to. She seemed to be at her wits end. I don’t really blame her. Can you imagine walking into a boutique in Naija and asking the sales girl for a terracotta and blush pink colored dress. She’d probably send you half way across town to their imaginary second shop simply to spite you for wasting her not so precious time.

All this stress to show up half way through the wedding reception, because in Nigeria, no one who isn’t on the bridal train or a parent of the couple shows up for the actual marriage ceremony in the church. After dancing a few with the couple while spraying them with naira notes, drinking copious amounts of the fluids of your choice and ‘snapping’ one or two pictures. You are off home early, especially if it took place in Lagos seeing as you have to beat the traffic and all. A significant amount of your hard earned money having been spent on ‘Aso ebi’ and Tailors fees.

I apologize if I do sound a bit cynical. I enjoy a good party like anyone else. I occasionally feel the desire to mingle and socialize and have a few laughs. I just think some girls, who know themselves if they ever get round to reading this post need to chill, relax on their Obsessive Compulsive Bridal Disorder (OCBD) and actually find a man before they actually make down payments on their dream reception venue. If you are one of my (OCBD) friends and you’re reading this and you think you, may be the person I’m referring to, it’s probably not you. Then again, it just might be, I guess you’ll never really know.

So, until the next time I feel an urge to mull or rant. I leave you all in peace.

Cheers