Untitiled

I find men to be utterly fascinating. I really do. I think they are generally very direct, straight to the point, simple creatures. I like how they tend to see things in black and white. I like how they don’t over analyze things or get too emotionally involved when dealing with situations. Women sometimes tend to over think things, men generally don’t.

It is simple. One day, I was having a conversation with this Dude who was all up in my business at the time. I knew I could never go into a relationship with him, and I was trying to let him down gently, but he was being so persistent. So I decided in a flash of inspiration to use an analogy to get my message across.

“Okay” I said “Imagine if you for whatever reasons that are personal to you, decided that you wanted a blue ball. As in that’s what you really want. Blue or nothing right?” He nodded. “So what do you do? You go to the market, to people who sell stuff like that, and you search far and wide. You see many, many balls, in different colors, red, white, green, yellow, brown, but-no blue. What do you do? You go home, and decide to either come back another day or to go to another market and continue your search from there. Right?”

He stared at me slightly puzzled “Er no, wrong. I buy any ball I see, red, green whatever, take it home and paint it blue. Simple, why would I want to keep walking around?”

Two things hit me in that moment 1. That I had failed miserably in getting my message across and would have to think up another strategy  2.The huge difference in the way men and women solve problems.

I took an emotional stance towards solving the problem, I had to find the perfect colour or nothing, and I was willing to walk the ends of the earth (or at least the breadth of Lagos State markets) in search of it. He wasn’t. What he was willing to do was take whatever was available and make it work. This was a few years ago, when I was still in the early stages of coming to the realization that men were from Mars and women from Venus.

You know what though? The thing about being practical is that it simplifies things. Women are not the visual creatures men are. This means that with a few exceptions *cough* (you-know-yourselves), physical attractiveness is not as important to us as it is for men. I have lost count of the number of times I have heard a female say something along the lines of “Oh I really wasn’t attracted to him at all when we first met, but then when I got to know him better, my feelings totally changed. Now, I think he’s really cute”

Well, I, Mimi B have personally NEVER, ever met, seen or heard of a man who said the same thing. If a man is not attracted to a woman, then nothing for her period. No matter how nice or charming he finds her. No matter how well they get along and how much they have in common. No matter that they can talk on the phone for hours and he finds himself confiding in her. He simply puts her in the ‘friendship’ pile and there she will remain, until she wisens up, gets rid of any feeling she may have towards him, dusts herself up and get back out there. As long as he does not find her physically attractive or appealing, he will never take their relationship from a friendship to something more intimate.  Shikena.

I’m not quite certain that this is a bad thing though. I think men were created that way for a reason. That’s why (in my opinion) women have the ability to alter their appearance in ways that a man simply cannot. What I am saying, is that I really believe that there are no ugly women, simply lazy ones.  All na packaging. As long as a woman looks reasonably put together, sooner or later, men will come knocking.

I believe that the differences in the way either gender sees things has led to a lot of misunderstanding, misconceptions and  miscommunication over the years, decades and centuries (millennia even?). Like was mentioned in my last post, it seems women are naturally more expressive. We like to talk about our feelings and analyze what went wrong. The result of this is that most relationship stories out there are told from a woman’s perspective.

This brings me to the point of my post. I would like to give a few guys out there the opportunity to air their views and express their opinions on my blog. I want to hear relationship stories, the good, the bad, the ugly and the wonderful, all told from a male stand point. I am also interested in receiving write ups about any rants or raves you guys have about the female folk.  I have decided to title this series “He Speaks” and will run it alongside my normal posts on my random, mulls, rants, etcetera, read-my-blog title-and-you’ll-get-the-drift-posts.

Any interested contributors should feel free to contact me via email on: mimibarberblogspot@gmail.com.

I am more than willing to put up guest posts anonymously if a contributor so desires. I am aware of the fact that not everybody is comfortable putting their personal business out there. So, if you’d like to remain anonymous, please state so clearly in your email.

I look forward to your responses.

For those of you who are wondering, yes,  you are absolutely right. This post is partly a shameless plug to increase the number of my male readers. But it is also inspired by a genuine interest in the subject content.

Cheers

Calling Male Bloggers

Over a period of time, I have noticed that the readers of my blog seem to be largely female. At first I had no problem with this, and then I became slightly perturbed at the idea that I may be chasing a way a male readership without realizing it.

In a bid to make my blog more male friendly, I asked a few guys who have been on my blog how they thought I could make it more appealing to the male folk. I got a few interesting answers which I have decided to share with you below:

“It is rather feminist you know?” One told me. He said this in a low tone while watching me carefully to observe my reaction. I suppose he was worried I may get overly defensive. I didn’t. I was actually slightly amused. I gather he was referring to This post, which in all honesty I wrote mainly for the laughs. I felt like if I could address a few serious issues in the society I live in with a bit of humor then why not? I don’t recall making any references to bra burning or trying to pass across some feminist agenda messages *shrug* 

“Why is there so much pink?” asked another. I gather he’s referring to my background image and choice of font colors. Again, I selected this design because I wanted the blog to look vibrant and fresh. Can  I ask that you guys please look beyond my template and design and focus on the content instead? I can? Why thank you! You see, male bloggers rock.!

“You talk about shoes. A lot. Guys generally don’t really like to read about shoes”. Hahahahaha.  Noted. Maybe I should try putting up the results of the latest soccer matches instead, or talk about cars. That wouldn’t be too hard. I love cars…..

“You look at things through a very female perspective”. Sigh. It is true. I suppose that may have something to do with the fact that I am a female. Ok, maybe I should put up guest posts by male blogger’s from time to time….that may not be such a bad idea. I usually find it refreshing to hear things from a male perspective.  

Ok. I hereby openly and formally request that any interested contributors should send me an email. I’m particularly interested in content that is in line with the overall ‘voice’ of this blog. i.e witty, insightful  posts about ideas, thoughts, observations about life in general. They have to be strictly PG though *smiles*

“I think that there are generally more female’s in blogosphere than males. It’s probably because women in general tend to be more expressive in nature. You guys like to talk about and analyze things. For every male glossy magazine out there, there are ten more targeting the women folk.”  Hmmm. I think this dude may have a point. What do you guys think? Are there really more female bloggers out there?  Or am I just really unconsciously scaring off the guys with subliminal feminist messages?

An Ode to Friendship

I love my girlfriends.

I have always been slightly suspicious of women who brag about the fact that they don’t ‘do’ female friendships. Personally, I think girl friends rock. There are so many things you can share with another female that a man will never really understand. Like periods for example. Tell your best guy buddy that you’re having monster sized cramps and he’ll probably mutter an uncomfortable ‘sorry’ just before he speeds off or immediately changes the subject. Tell your girlfriend the same thing, and you’re immediately inundated with phrases like ‘Oh so sorry dear’ ‘Aww, I know how you feel’ and suggestions on what pain relieving tactics to employ. Alternatively, she may prescribe painkillers she’s sure will help based on her personal experience or that of a trusted friend and may even loan you her hot water bottle.  I once had a male doctor tell me that he thought Dysmenorrhea was a function of women’s imaginations. I wanted terribly to smack him.

Male friendships definitely have their place, but I honestly don’t know what I’d do with out my girl friends. They are the only ones who truly get why I need several pairs of black heels. A man just doesn’t know that you can’t wear black pumps with everything. If you think about it why should he? He can wear the same pair of black shoes with almost ever outfit he has and it’ll work just fine. A woman simply cannot.

My guy friends don’t understand my fondness for glossy magazines, or that burgundy and plum are shades of red. They don’t know how I feel when I’ve been standing for hours in heels and they can’t advice me on whether I should use a ‘Premium’ or ‘Supreme’weave to make the hairstyle similar to what I recently saw on Kelly Rowland. In a lot of ways they quite simply don’t get it.

My girlfriends on the other hand do. I can trust them for advice on things that I would hesitate even if slightly before sharing with my closest guy pal.

Like cars, they come in all shapes and sizes.

There is the one I will call my ‘superficial’ friend. The first thing she wants to know as soon as I’ve mentioned that I’ve met a guy is, in this exact order “Is he cute? How tall is he? What car does he drive? Where does he live? What does he do for a living? Is he a smart dresser? My friend I don’t want to see you near any random guy o, just know now’. As vain as she may sound, I really do think she serves a purpose, which is to remind me not to settle for less. Only thing is our definitions of ‘less’ varies greatly.

Then there’s my really spiritual friend. I use the word really intentionally because most of my friends are spiritual (not religious) people anyways.  As soon as I mention I’ve met a boy all she wants to know is “Where does he worship? Have you heard him pray? Do you think your destiny’s can function together? What is his belief system? I just want to make sure that you’re not unequally yoked you know”

My practical friend likes to keep it real. She wants to know “Are you guys compatible? What are the things you really don’t like about him? Is he supportive of you? Do you think you guys have any potential for longevity? I just don’t want to see you in a crash and burn situation you know”

My idealistic friend is the complete opposite, ever the romantic; all she really cares about is my answer to the all important question “Are you in love? Because if at the end of the day you’re not, then there is not point you know” she says.

Like I said I love my girlfriends.

I’m sure my gushing, might lead some people to think that I’m just blessed to have a bunch of people around me who are just perfect. Far from it. There have been fights, hurtful words said in the heat of the moment and tempers frayed. We are not in any way perfect; we are just people who constantly and openly practice the art of forgiveness. Show me two friends who have never had a disagreement and I guarantee you that at least one of them is pretending. I read that on someone’s blog, can’t quite remember whose and it just stuck with me because I think it is so true.

Sometimes when I hear from female friends’ stories of betrayals and the like from other females, I gently challenge them to

1. Ask themselves in all honesty if they in any way intentionally or otherwise through their words or actions contributed towards the actions of the person who admittedly wronged them.
2. Ask them to try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Sometimes, standing in another person’s corner of the room allows you to see things from a different angle.

I am not undermining the fact that there are people out there that you are better of withdrawing from in order to lead a healthier and happier life. I am just saying, that sometimes the person who thinks that there is something wrong with everyone else should accept that they are the common factor in all these failed relationships.

My girl friends bring joy to my life and enrich it in many ways. They are not many true, but I think that it is better to have a handful of good friends than a room full of bad ones.

I was inspired to write this post as an ode to female friendship because I think there is far too much negativity associated with the subject far too often.

Today, take time out to be thankful for the gift of female friendship. The bible says that "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly; and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother" Proverbs 18:24 (KJV) allow me to paraphrase when I say I believe this extends to sisters as well. 

P.S 

Ok so I know this isn't really an ode per say, seeing as it is not a poem, just stick with me on this : )

Cheers.

Dear Mimi

Dear Mimi,

How are you? Well, actually, I know exactly how you are. You’re bored out of your mind aren’t you?

Right now, you’re probably at home watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer because you are still yet to realize how silly that show really is. You’re also waiting for your SSCE results to be released and hoping it comes out in time for you to start filling that college application form bought with love by The Brother, and sent down from his campus in Accra. Your mind is running in a million different directions thinking of what your near future might look like. Well, that’s exactly why I wrote you this letter. To give you an idea about how things turned out in the next few years. A sort of peek into your destiny if you will. 

Well, the first thing I want to tell you is that you didn’t end up in The Brother’s school after all. It’s a long story but-actually no it really isn’t. By the time your admission letter turned up, you were already a registered student at the School you swore you’d never in a million years attend. Yeah, that one where you can’t dye your hair like you really wanted to and have to wear a skirt at all times. Sorry. It wasn’t so bad though, you met some really cool people and grew to appreciate the power of a perfectly fitted pencil skirt.


More importantly, this was also around the time when your relationship with the Lord grew in leaps and bounds, and you did things you’d never done before. It was truly amazing how differently you began to view the world and your place in it. Those were special times.


During your holidays, you had to do a number of internships. It was part of the requirement for the course you chose to study you see. This was where you got your first taste of what it felt like to join the rat race and work for a living. It was equal parts horrible and delightful all at the same time. You had to wake up at 4:30am everyday so you could make the commute to your office. That really sucked. But there were good times as well, like when you picked up your first pay check, and immediately spent most of it on a new pair of black, suede peep toe shoes. They were well worth it though.



This was also when you met that boy.



When you were done with school, you interned at this other really cool place because you didn’t want to sit at home bored while you waited for your call up letter. So while your mates were chilling, you were waking up early and rushing to work everyday, yeah you’re anal like that.



You got sent far away from home for service year. Don’t worry though; the whole thing wasn’t quite as traumatic as you feared. You ended up staying back there against your wishes at first but then grew to love the place as you went on to meet another set of really cool folks.



I want you to know that you now have a nephew, and as opposed to what your huge ego was telling you for months, he looks absolutely nothing like you. Well except for the eyes, which as you well know is a family trademark.



Ivory is a big girl now; she’s all grown up and in the University. By the way, well done o, as it turned out, you’ve created a fashion monster. No matter what she might say, just know that all those years of playing dress up with her, and teaching her how to mix and match made her develop some serious shakara (we call it swagger now). I’m serious, her own pass me sef, it’s getting out of control but what can I really do except buy her more shoes.



Before I forget, please stop thinking of Olly and Cherry as your benchmark for the perfect relationship. I really don’t want to corrupt your innocent mind; but there’s so much nastiness going on in there that you’ll be shocked when you eventually get to find out. It takes more than being really pretty and having a boyfriend who’s well known to have a healthy dynamic in your relationship. The last I heard she had dropped out of school and he had moved to a different country and they have nothing but unpleasant memories between them.


By the way, Ms Knowsitall got knocked up and had to marry her baby daddy is married now. She was one of the first people you know to tie the knot.


For those fleeting moments when you wonder, yes you have in fact stopped growing. You will after all have to spend the rest of your life having to deal with Mummy calling you short. Just keep reminding her that 5”5 is considered average height for a woman. You are also still not a size eight (well actually you are in The States and even smaller) but you have learnt to deal it and moved on.



If I could give you any peace of advice, I’d tell you to relax, be nicer and stop watching Buffy!

Whatever will happen, will happen, and I promise you’ll always have help to deal with whatever The Lord allows life to send your way. Please, please, please be nicer. Not everyone has ulterior motives. As for Buffy, well, first of all it is just plain evil. Being best friends with a Witch who likes to summon demons for fun is just wrong, no matter how fun/cool/not creepy-at-all they try to make it look. Also, like I said earlier, it’s just a silly show. 

Some things have really changed:

Uncle J is now filthy rich

You grew to love shrimps

Miss P is married to a white man

But others haven’t:


You hate Macaroni

Mumsie yells-a-lot

NEPA (we call them PHCN now) still ‘takes light’


I really can’t remember anything else that you might like to know. Sorry if I left anything out but the truth is you’ll find out soon enough anyway. But I hope I’ve really covered most of the important stuff.


Guess what though? I still have my prom dress somewhere in my closet and yes it still fits perfectly.

See you in the future.


Cheers