For the love of 'Sweet Talks' and 'Fine Babes'

Warning: This is a rant
I just watched the video for Nigerian artiste Mo’Chedda’s new single “No be Money” a few days ago. I liked the cutesy nature of the animation and chuckled a few times at the storyline. It also got me thinking, about men, about the dating game and about annoying dating habits both sexes are sometimes guilty of.

Men like to blame women for everything that goes wrong in a relationship; women in turn like to lay the blame on men. And so the vicious cycle continues, with no side willing to accept any wrongdoing. Personally, I think both sides are equally to blame, with certain genders being naturally predisposed it would seem to certain kinds of dodgy behavior.

For example, I find it to be extremely annoying when a person assumes that they can win over any member of the opposite sex simply by their charm. I find that men are usually more guilty of this, they try to ‘get a chick’ with their smooth talk, and then act like something is wrong with her when she fails to fall for it.

                                                          

Case in point; A Young Woman is at a book/media store minding her own business. She browses through the racks as she waits for her friends to show up so they can all go and see a movie. Then, enter from left Mr. Sweet Talks. He is with his friends “The Boys” who all stopped over to check out the latest video game offerings. SweetTalks spots YoungWoman from afar. He taps a friend on the shoulder, points her out, and proceeds to make a crude comment about a part of her anatomy. Then, he goes in for the kill and the following dialogue ensues:

ST: Hey, Hey you there

YW: (Turns around, slightly surprised) Me?

St: Yes. Hi *(stretches out his hand for a handshake)

YW: (Stares at his outstretched hand)

ST: My name is BonnyFace, can I get to know you?

TW: I’m sorry?

ST: I mean, I spotted this beautiful damsel from across the room and I just knew that I had to meet you

YW: Er, ookay (Wondering where on earth her friends are)

ST: So what’s your beautiful name?

YW: Ahem..…(begins to type away furiously on her Blackberry device)

St: Sorry, I didn’t get that

(Out of the corner of his eyes, he sees that his friends are starting to snicker from across the room. He must step up his game or risk being humiliated in front of “The Boys”)

ST: Can I get your number? I would like to take you out, show you a real good time…

YW: Ah, well you see. I just got an SMS informing me there’s an emergency situation at home. I’m sorry but I have to leave now

ST: Emergency?

YW: Yes, it appears my cat just broke his leg. I’ve really got to go.

(She begins to walk away hurriedly)

YW: Nice meeting you Mr. BonnyFace

(At this point, the boys are howling with laughter, ST needs to save face, fast)

ST: (Yelling after YW as she exits the store) I bet you’re a Lesbian too!

Typical. YW decides that she is decidedly unimpressed with ST’s ‘yans’ and chooses to exit the awkward situation. ST responds by making derogatory statements about her sexuality. Case Closed.



Another behavior in the dating culture I find really irritating is the whole “maga, born, maga die” thingy that some girls are really into. Honestly speaking, I just don’t get it. In case you are not Nigerian, or have been living under a rock for the past few years, a “maga” is a man of means whom a woman uses to satisfy her financial needs and obligations. Once upon a time, young women all over the world including Nigeria, moved their hips to the tune of songs like Destiny’s Childs’ ‘Independent Woman” . Back then, as I recall, it was really cool to work hard and earn you own cash to pay your own bills, bills, bills. Ah but now… how things have changed. Exhibit two, the scenario below:

GentleMan meets FineBabe at a friend’s house on a Saturday during said friends’ birthday party. FineBabe is a fine babe. She spends a lot of time at the table where he and his friends are seated; she is really chatty and does a trick involving a whiskey bottle and a shot glass. GentleMan is suitably impressed. And at the end of the night they exchange numbers. Fast forward forty-eight hours. GentleMan is battling city traffic on his way back from work when he receives a text message from FineBabe.

FB: Hey, Wassup?

GM: (Replies her text) Nothing much o, stuck in some terrible traffic

FB: (Sends another text) Aww. That’s too bad, so what are you doing later tonight?

At this point, GM starts to get a bit excited. Things seem to be flowing quite nicely and fairly easily with FB, he starts to think, he just might get lucky. He decides to call her

GM: Hello?

FB: Hi

GM: I don’t have any plans. Would you like to go see a movie? Maybe hang out?

FB: Okay sure. But I haven’t had dinner though….

GM: Er, well okay, I guess we could do dinner first. Where would you like to go?

FB: Oh I just love Chinese food, don’t you? Why don’t I start to get ready? Call me back in an hour so you can come and pick me up.

GM: Oh. All right then, well-

FB: By the way, please can you send me credit? I need to call my sister because she is with our house keys and I need to pick them up?

GM Hesitates slightly as he wonders (and rightly so) about the appropriateness of her request seeing as they’ve only just met.

GM: Well, I suppose I could

FB: Thank you darling, actually my BIS has expired and I need to renew it so…Thanks.

An hour later, GM calls FB babe back.

GM: Hi, so where exactly do you live?

FB mentions a suburb that is a two hour drive from GM’s present location. The restaurant he has chosen is less than thirty minutes away from him and very easily accessible from FB’s house.

GM: Look, why don’t you take a taxi and meet me at…it’ll be much easier logistics wise?

FB: Well ok. See you soon peruse

Forty five minutes later, GM is at the said restaurant. He is seated at a table and is perusing the menu. He is slightly irritated that he will have to drop a good chunk of his salary on this unplanned for date, that he was cornered into by a girl he had only just met. But he was too much of a Gentleman to turn her down. His phone rings, it is FB.

GM: Hello where are you?

FB: I am outside the restaurant

GM: Okay. So do you want to come in?

FB: I don’t have cab fare, I need you to come out and settle the cab guy

GM is starting to wish he had never replied her text.

GM: I’ll be out in a minute

A couple hours later and GM is tired and bored. It had only taken a few minutes for him to realize that FB was not quite as fine or as much of a babe as he remembered. Plus she had an annoying high pitched giggle; in fact she was starting to really get on his nerves. He motions for the waiter and orders for the check

FB: Waiter, please do you people do take away?

Waiter: Yes Ma

FB: Ok please can I have the menu again? I want to have some take- away

She proceeds to order enough food to feed a small army, bleeding GM of his hard earned cash along the way. GM is furious. He has every right to be. They leave the restaurant and he quickly flags down a cab and speaks to the driver.

FB: Aren’t you driving me home?

GM: No, I’m afraid not. I would get stuck in traffic on my way back

FB: Okay

She gets into the cab, the driver starts the engine

FB: Wait! What about my cab fare?

GM: Well, I suppose you could always offer him some Sweet and Sour Pork

GentleMan enters his car and drives off, leaving GreedyBabe, er, I meant FineBabe behind with an irate driver.

I really think that women should start a revolt against weird guys, and men should start one against greedy girls. #JustSaying. A small minority shouldn’t give the larger majority a bad name.



*Etiquette experts have stated that it is bad manners for a man to initiate a handshake with a woman. Male/Female handshakes must always be instigated by the Female.



Cheers