Avoiding Social Profiling: A Christmas Guide

Criminal Profiling:The act of drawing on prior research and knowledge to create a psychological profile of an unknown criminal offender. Criminal profiles are created in order to allow law enforcement to catch criminals more efficiently.

 

Folks! Its that time of the year again. The time when the city streets empty out, the markets become full of tacky looking coloured lights and badly packed hampers, and our local TV stations start to air live footage of the ubiquitous children’s parties, crammed full of kids in their ‘Christmas Dresses’. We are forced at times for hours on end, to watch as they give shout outs to their “their Mummy and their Daddy and their brother and their sister and their teachers and their friends”, while clutching tightly to their nylon bags filled with plastic toys and cheap biscuits that Father Christmas gave to them.

 

It is also the time to become especially wary of the Nigerian law enforcement agents who completely ignore the science of criminal profiling in favor of what I like to call, Social Profiling.

 

Social profiling as opposed to criminal profiling is the act of drawing upon stereotypes, assumptions, personal perceptions and prejudices, to create a physical profile of a non criminal, accused offender.

  

Simply put, the intent behind criminal profiling is to arrest and prosecute criminals, in order to make the society a safer place. The intent behind social profiling is to harass and embarrass law abiding citizens in order to financially enrich certain members of the Executive arm of government.

 

                                        

 

 

 

 A number of these law enforcement agents take a great amount of pride in what they perceive to be their resourcefulness in applying their Social profiling skills to unsuspecting members of the public. Most vulnerable to this, are the road users who are fortunate (unfortunate?) enough to own private vehicles, and possess enough knowledge of how to operate them along our nation’s roads, streets and highways.

 

Driving a car in Nigeria I am told is simply not what it used to be. It is not enough to ensure that you take care to obey all traffic rules and regulations and stay awake long enough to arrive at your destination safely. Some street smarts are also required in order to ensure that one does not become a victim of an over zealous social profiling officer.

 

 
 
 
 
 

Popular opinion seems to suggest that certain demographics are far more vulnerable to this form of harassment than others. For example, young, single women driving vehicles are far more likely to be pulled over for a stop and asked to produce the obligatory documents/items before they may be allowed to go on their way.

 

 

 

Middle aged men who appear to be private chauffeurs are also routinely checked, as well as cars full of young men between the ages of 18-30 who may seem to be having way too much fun. Woe betide the unfortunate driver who lacks any thing from a fire extinguisher to a waste paper basket (yes, I’ve been told they ask for those as well), you shall surely pay for your mistake, through the exchange of a certain kind of paper.

 

To avoid becoming a prey of social profiling this joyous season, one may need to employ any of the following measures:

 

• Engage in light banter and convince your profiler that you really understand where he is coming from; he is not a bad person, only a victim of an unfortunate circumstance/system. Then shake his hand.

• Prominently display a sticker representing one of the arms of the executive or legislature in order to convince profilers that you are either one of them or extremely well connected to some of them. This gives the impression that pulling you over might end up being more trouble than it is worth

• Appear to be a gentleman who is a member of the middle to upper financial class and put on an aloof expression throughout the entire exchange

• Be a woman. Cry. Explain that you had no idea that you were expected to drive around town with the original copy of your car’s receipt, which you were given at the dealership where you bought it three years ago. You promise you will never, do it again. Ever. Then offer to drive them to your husbands’ office at the National Assembly or official office of the State Governor so he can assure them that the car you are driving is indeed your property. Watch them immediately begin to scatter in different directions while energetically urging you to get into you vehicle and drive away, as fast as you can, as soon as you can, and pretend the whole thing never happened.

• Step out of your vehicle. Claim to be a lawyer and pretend to jot down the identification numbers on their name tags. To appear more authentic, it will be useful at this time to reach into your glove compartment and begin to rummage through it in a bid to produce your personal copy of the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. They must be made to understand that you know your rights and will not be intimidated.

 

• Pick up your cell phone, dial a number and say “Hello? Uncle GoodLuck? Yes it’s me, good afternoon-“ Then look up, realize that there is no one standing in front of your car, switch on your ignition and drive off into the sunset.

 

 

 

If all of these fail, put on your very best smile and heartily wish them a very Merry Christmas. Tis the season to be jolly after all.

Cheers