Hoodwinked

I think I just got scammed.        

It all started the other day, when I looked up from my desk and saw that a small crowd had gathered around a spare table close to my cubicle. Curious, I’d asked Bobo what was going on

“Well” he said “we are all getting tested”

He made it sound important. ”Tested for what?” I asked

‘Everything’, he said. So I went over and had a look. I saw one of my superiors in the office whom I will call Mr. G, hooked up to what looked to me a lot like a lie-detector machine. He had a look of intense concentration on his face. A tall slim woman in a black suit poked at this left palm with some sort of electronic pen, while her assistant behind her took down some notes. Finally she was done.

“Ok”, she said “I have you results as well as recommendations on the sort of treatments you should embark upon” She rattled off some medical lingo while Mr. G looked on, he nodded a few times, seemingly in agreement with what she said.

“So are you going to get checked?” Bobo asks me. “Well…” I shrugged, why not, everyone else was, what did I have to lose. It didn’t involve needles of any sort so I didn’t have to be worried about any pain or be afraid I might contact some sort of weird infection. “Sure” I said.

I waited for everyone who got there before me to have their test done, and then finally it was my turn. I took a seat. She made me take off all my jewelry, placed a small rubber device in my right palm and told me to squeeze down hard. I did as she instructed and watched a tad anxiously as she squinted and hummed to herself.

“So, what does it indicate?” I asked “Am I okay?”

“Well, your internal organs are perfect, just perfect!” She says. I breathe a sigh of relief. Then she adds “But, you have far too much sugar in your bloodstream, I see you eat way too much Carbs. Also, you’re allergic to cold, your eyes are showing signs of strain from staring at a PC for hours on end and you need to detox your system”

I nodded thoughtfully, it made a lot of sense. “Right” I said “I think I agree with you on all that, I do eat a lot of carbs, I despise being cold and I do have to spend my entire work day in front of my computer without an anti-glare screen. So Thank You”

“You’re welcome” she said “ That’ll be one thousand Naira”

“Er, okay then” I said, I saw her assistant had a wad of one thousand naira notes clenched tightly in her fists so I deducted that everyone had had to pay the same fee after getting the ‘tests’ done. So I forked over the cash.

“Also, she added, “I sell Chinese herbs that can help you combat your problems. They are 100% natural, not like orthodox medicine that’s been processed. They are very healthy and have no side effects, I believe in treating your body with the utmost care you know?”

I nodded. Again, she sounded so, well informed, knowledgeable, like she knew exactly what she was saying. “So how much will that cost me?” I asked. She made some quick calculations “Thirty thousand Naira. I could deliver it to your desk tomorrow morning. You have to act quickly you know? Before you develop any complications” She said.

“Well,” I said “I think I’ll do another test in a hospital just to confirm your diagnosis, then I”ll give you a call and have you bring the stuff over, deal?”

She shrugged, “Okay, well I’ll see you later then” with that she sped off.

I went to Bobo, another of our friends A was with him. “So” I said to Bobo “ Did that lady try to sell you anything?” I asked him

He nodded “Yes she did, my bill came to Thirty one thousand Naira, I told her to bring in the stuff tomorrow, you have to act quickly on things like this you know?”. A added “yeah she gave me a bill of twenty grand as well”

I raised my eyebrows, “Really? what exactly did she say was wrong with you?” I asked. A shrugged “ she said that I eat too many carbs, and that I was allergic to cold”

“Do you agree with her?” I asked. She shrugged again “I guess so, I do eat a lot of carbs and I get really cold sometimes so…”

“She said I had eye strain from staring at a PC all day, that I eat too many carbs and that I needed a detox” Bobo offered

I rolled my eyes “She told me the exact same thing” I said “Now that I think about it, of course we eat too many carbs, we are Nigerians! The Air Conditioners are on all day blowing cold air down on us from the vents above our heads, so of course we get really cold sometimes; we do most of our work on the computer so eye strain is unavoidable and a no brainer and the detox thing is so ambiguous”.

A agreed with me “I think you’re right” she said. Bobo looked slightly perturbed “I’ll tell her I’ve changed my mind when she comes back tomorrow” he said. We all sighed, what a waste!

Later that night, as I lay on my bed and thought about other things I could have done with my money I’d given to the ‘scammers’ (A large cheese shawarma, top up credit, a new lip gloss, cab fare, a movie ticket, dry clean a Jacket, e.t.c). I wondered how on earth we’d all been so gullible; no doubt, they made a tidy sum collecting ‘medical test fees’ from a number of some of my other unsuspecting colleagues. There are over a thousand workers in my office building, if even a quarter of them had fallen for the scam (as I’m sure they did) that would have easily made two hundred and fifty thousand in one afternoon, excluding the costs of the ‘Chinese medication’. Not bad for an afternoons work.

As for me, I will learn to shine my eyes, quite simply anything that seems too good to be true, to easy, too simple, or too cheap (such as a full body medical examination for the princely sum of one grand) often is. I’m sure I won’t get taken in by such an ovbious scam next time (I hope), after all as they say, once bitten twice shy.

Have you ever had the experience of being swindled?

Cheers